Journal contd…where mind is without fear

April 12, 2016  Nothing Maudlin

wake at decent hour for a change but a head filled with swatches
of thoughts – an admix of happy, disconcerting.
when did I ever really get desired, unasked?
I ask myself..whatever fell in lap, I made it happen putting wheels in motion in my own quiet way. Lady luck did push other wheel providentially.
I’ve gotten what I’ve paid for by blood gut sweat tears and am happy for it.
earning and bingeing on own kneaded bread butter leaves no messy clutter in emotional debris and finger pointing.
However, that doesn’t abate certain yearnings in heart… tears having dried long ago..
coming to terms with that is really something else and am no quitter
detachment -full and final is name of game and am surely going to get there

April 13, 2016

Heart of the matter, matter of Heart
~
heart weeps without a hat drop sometimes
I wonder why is it this touchingly tender, prone to spill claret without really having any reason to….
has anyone felt like that? Everything is relatable if one opens one’s heart and mind wide and allows life to impinge in every which way…
what heart longs for does not happen, what happens pleases a lot
without seeping through and through…. c’est vie
I am super rich in enunciated pronunciations and these I take without
pausing stride nor with any salt pinches fully cognizant of elevated blood pressure all the time …
crunch time is when it matters the most.
Even then I simply carry on unfazed without waiting… Hence when something falls in lap at this sorely needed time, the joy rendered thereof
giddily cascades rejuvenating insides and tastes every bit dark chocolate delicious.
Such moments are rare hence all the more precious and much savored upon reliving…
time is zipping by at record speed and I’ve much to accomplish, many exotic places to experience firsthand and then lay me down for final exit..
Bucket list is long and keeps getting longer
neither crows nor grim reaper visit me these days..perhaps they consider me a gone case… am not pushing either…

April 18, 2016

Expectedness of Unexpected
~
sometimes dread lies mostly in the mind… dreaded arrives without much fanfare quietly zipping out equally soft footed…
Both of us have begun feeling tad physically challenged these days while our minds remain whipcord and irresponsible as always…biting more than what can be chewed…
I asked someone “why can’t our bodies remain as fresh and alert as our minds, this morning?” he replied, “Then we’d become all too powerful” which was a vociferous No, No as far as nature of things went..meaning
..in an orderly fashion…
the cycle of birth decay death… yet every ending is a new beginning and I do firmly believe in reincarnation with some carried forward memories which explain the mildly shocking “deja vu” moments in our lives.
wheels under our feet haven’t quite retracted.
honed and ready they are eager to zoom down another airport, in another city touching down another tarmac..
The amount of cities we’ve visited so far makes my head spin 360 like an owl.
Dunno if such hurly burly is good at our age but our minds stay kid fresh while beat up bodies constantly crave shuteye and TLC big time.
I for one, am planning a visit to my masseuse today prior to embarking on our next adventure tomorrow.
Grass simply refuses to grow under our feet
we being those perennial, proverbial ‘out of control’ rolling moss(es)
Tired of our New York weather’s vagaries’ prima donna behavior with vapors and airs … we shall bask in heartwarming company of dear friends happily soaking in mild to red chillies hot west coast.
We’ll revisit some of our favorite spots while refreshing and spit polishing our epic journey few years ago from Coronado to Glacier Natl. park by car up and down California coast with trips to Sonoma Valley wine country, Yosemite and side trips to Grand canyon, good bit of Arizona with wild west Tombstone thrown in…plus an up close and personal brush up with an irate mama bear …
During that west coast trip we’d stayed at Super8 motels mostly owned by Indians named “Patel” where Ganesh had been in his element “haggling” the good old fashioned Indian way and a jolly good laugh had been guffawed by all… we have many heartwarming stories of generosity and goodwill from that trip.
Our wonder at nature never ceases.
Nature never lets us get jaded
may our love affair with nature remain newlywed fresh
without wilting till the end of our time….
~

May 6, 2016..Inner workings
~

where to begin when life/death are continuums and one is determined to hum no matter what…
today I wish to address the uncertain certain sadness that could be a kind of wistfulness lying fallow in heart’s cave.
face values are just that and ‘never judge a book by its cover” can also be true if the author is truly great but lacks marketing acumen….
Sometimes my own serenity and general happiness seem out of place given the plethora of bad news everywhere…should i appear suitably subdued and blighted kind of, somewhat…I do wonder about it….my smiling face does put paid to that occasionally… la di da ..
wicked part of me cackles all the time…. I can clearly see what makes people tick but still accept it for what it is (they) are worth…who am I to judge…being equally or more flawed? hahaha
this is not about shelling out pieces of my mind…simply a casual stroll through the inner working of my cognizant self …
nothing is black and white for me anymore….over time colors have bled into each other and am more comfortable with leeways than high roads….time having suitably put me in my place duly chastised and less exuberant… maybe……am still quite impulsive and bouncy advancing age regardless…
May 17th is the day when my left knee gets replaced …right having already been done… I wonder after both new knees what can I bounce on them?
Curve balls served by life?
well…come on down then…I’ll be ready…and that m’dears is a challenge !

~

May 8th 2016

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time like dew on the tip of a leaf. ~ Rabindranath Tagore
Born utterly indolent and domestically disabled…when life hurled me into an abyss of responsibility, I was clueless and utterly bewildered
A bookworm with head in clouds playing outdoors when not reading books… that was my world during growing years..
Knowledge of birds and bees and the before afters of pre-teen, teen years were all mystery to most of my generation by and large myself included.

Mom was childlike and kind of “otherworldly” hence asking her was out of question. Only knowledge garnered was from Lady Chatterly’s Lover and from a single closed door class of Miss Lydia at school whom I recall as a ludicrous teacher at best and who left most of us even more confused.

I remember a cute joke where a child tells his mom at school today he’d learnt how to make babies! Obviously the mom is shocked and before she can reach for the phone to call school …the child said, it is really easy mom, all you need to do is change the “y” in word baby to “ies” and you get “babies”
If only life were that simple.
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark. ~ Tagore
Two leaps of faith : Twice married to total strangers and then transported to “foreign” country… it was like tumbling in the dark… and this is where Rabindranath Tagore comes in…
I have always had “Gitanjali” by Tagore with me and usually could recite it verbatim…nowadays with senior moments ..it is easy to copy paste from the “net”
These words by Tagore gave me stiff upper lip and survival skills when I was fumbling to cope with “hard to crack” situations to subsequently emerge with flying colors…

“Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high, where knowledge is free. Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls. Where words come out from the depth of truth, where tireless striving stretches its arms toward perfection. Where the clear stream of reason has not lost it’s wayinto the dreary desert sand of dead habit. Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever widening thought and action. Into that heaven of freedom, my father, LET MY COUNTRY AWAKE !”
here I was suddenly uprooted and replanted in America, knowing not a single soul, scared out of my wits …maybe not that much but still scared…in the land of the free with a mindset as “bindass” (carefree) as my beloved Bombay … hence nothing could really go wrong I kept consoling myself… plus of course I had one all important “magic” working for me to propel me forward ..
”the fathomless deep love of both parents and our mutual faith in a tiny miracle worker blue god” who has incidentally never left my side…aka my beloved Krishna
I’ve experienced too many unbelievable things and have walked away unscathed from the grim reaper once too many times…
re: Mother’s day … one does one’s best …topmost thing going for a mom is the unabashed overflowing well of love that she has for her child…whether expressed or not despite her admix of successes and failures as a mom… I tried my best too in my own inadequate imperfect way ..
more later….

where_the_mind_is_without_fear_by_ritwik_mango

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