Archive for June 2017:

cicada’s cry

In the cicada’s cry
No sign can foretell
How soon it must die.
— Matsuo Bash?

walking on pavements
head usually looks down
more than upwards ..mindful
about stepping on life underfoot
tis so easy to snuff out life
yet impossible
to resurrect taken……
..
albeit heavy in weight, feet tread
daintily on cobblestones ..as earth
too can get bruised when stomped
upon… thus I live and shut eyes
at day’s passing … perchance
to dream of gentler normal life
where “word” held sway
and lies were just that never
alternate facts ..am simple minded
that way

Journaling…mind drips

mind is such a trickster … is into playing games big time…on daily basis:
Keying into day’s ignition slot …I begin with genuine enthusiasm…And then slowly it whittles away….Chipped by a body frayed at extremities, fickle mind constantly dealing with changeling moods …..whattodo…….
…..what the mirror shows and tells and what I choose to perceive depends upon my degree of “self delusion” in acceptances that can change day to day … depending on how much of real is okay for day to day consumption..
..grip
opening palms and staring at an alarmingly lengthy life line I will it to shorten itself with alacrity… ringing words rain on mind’s cobblestones as predicted by an old monk six plus decades ago during gentler times in Bombay of yore … that I shall live up to a ripe old age of 96 that fills me with such horror! I continue pleading to my beloved to take me away NOW..
…..my niece “Whatsapped” me old family photos of my loved ones ..thus hurling me down memory lanes once again..spent a pleasant couple of hours reliving those “shiny” times ..some faces invoked sweet-sour-tart feelings due to their behavior when alive and children can be unforgiving …
…Dream from last night
I won a grand prize of twenty thousand dollars in spelling bee as a grand prize… when I received the check in my hot little palm I actually felt nothing… the feeling (as in non-feeling) was actually quite liberating…this late in the game … my serenity stays intact no matter what .. hence I still feel like a winner upon waking up ..palms empty yet full to brim cupping my soul as water in them always mindful not to drip or trip… still have along way to go in mending and amending …

Journaling..

10.52p.m. London, England June 14, 2017
..
One hour of deep sleep was enough for my tired beat up body and tad worried ..tinted topper it seems…. we’d hastily spruced up for group meeting followed by dinner at our hotel and I came away with lots of mind fodder..

Firstly re: our commute from Heathrow to High Street Kensington station via the famous London Tube ..that was quite an adventure in itself… beginning at airport with a helpful overseas customer support guy hailing from Goa, India and next upon our queries from a ‘dot on forehead’ Tamil gentleman whom Ganesh had quickly engaged for directions in Tamil his mother tongue, to an African gentleman from Sierra Leone who guided us most accurately in the Tube to an Australian couple who went out of the way to carry Ganesh’s heavy checked suitcase ensuring we caught the correct connecting Green Line train and once that was boarded another Good Samaritan in form of a lovely Brit lady rendered a final leg up two flights of steps with Ganesh suitcase with lots of smiles and good wishes…the annoyance at my misplaced luggage had simply vanished thereafter
..
We had enjoyed delicious piping hot coffee with a sweet chocolate roll at Cafe Negro inside the train station run by two Italian brothers who were from the beautiful picturesque village of Positano which we’d just visited during Rome, Sorrento and Sicily trip …they were delighted to learn of it and even joked if we’d met the Corleone Godfather family while in Taormina Sicily
..
Now on to our dinner conversation: being a chatterbox I engaged all at our table which included our Scottish bus driver named Gareth and Sue our tour director. At Heathrow we’d learnt about building fire in London this morning etc. and had been quite saddened by the news..apparently Gareth had met a couple of devastated ladies who’d lost everything in this fire in the hotel lobby weeping profusely as city of London had provided room and board to them and our hotel was one of many selected by the city…Gareth had then said “so much can happen in the blink of an eye” and we’d all agreed ..then he said he’d quickly called home and asked that his little boy be given lots of extra hugs as due to the nature of his job he doesn’t get to see his kid as often as he’d like to…that is why it is very important to share our true feelings with loved ones and not shy away …also I realized I was really feigning more irritation than what I was actually feeling…detachment of sorts can be quite liberating..

We’d joked a lot as well with everyone sharing their funny tales which included a lady who calls herself Betty Boop ..she too has lost her luggage like me…Sue the tour director was talking about Liverpool and I asked her why doesn’t England have a Kidneypool ? She and Gareth were taken aback and had said they’ll get an answer for me soon…meanwhile one of the ladies at our table had chimed in “probably because we have two kidneys but only one liver..I’d responded ..we can donate one kidney, save a life and still lead a normal life…that finally silenced all….

..
More later…
..

June 12, 2017

..

Late last evening our beloved Chitra came by to bid us goodbye in person …walking from her home which is at quite an exhausting distance to ours… fueled by love no doubt …it was “concerning” admixed with endearing for me…she is such a trooper and Oh so loving ! … I continuously thank god for her entry into my “second” life..
meanwhile Ganesh continues losing weight and looking very trim as Fat rolls off his body..I watch this happen in awe as I bite into another delicious morsel of food… the more he loses the more I feed my face out of sheer contrariness !
I cannot figure why am built this way..defying my own good senses ! yikes!
..
this morning as is my won’t I began hearing recorded soulful chants and “shabd kirtan” **on our TV DVR and as I watched between sips of cardamom tea.. I noticed the audience for the first time ….
… as I curiously watched I saw one devotee silently weeping profusely ..wiping falling tears continuously .. it was such a private moment of grief and I felt as if I was encroaching….
… behind her was another devotee with eyes closed lost in the otherworldly joy of it all..
..next to her was a lady mumbling fervent pleas that could be clearly seen ..
and another was simply singing along knowing the song (shabd)
..quite a few of the congregation had lost themselves getting fully immersed
in a one to one with the Maker..
..I realized I could identify with all of them as I too have traversed this journey from tears to serenity
..it was quite sobering and calmed my tea perked mind
..
suddenly I was awash in serenity
a tweaked mind can do wonders ..…
peace and out
..
*** Gurbani ( essence of Guru Granth Saheb – holy book of the Sikh religion) is explained in form of Shabad Kirtan, which is sung by Kirtani or Raagees.
June 10, 2017

Lost Tip
..
tip
..
I look at my kitchen knife and wonder when, how it lost it’s tip ..horror of horrors ..did it enter our bellies via some succulent dish? To date as all is well in our little world and time has stayed mum, I too will stop worrying about it…
..
Tipping point came in mind and how little things make all the difference… many people over the years have approached me on Facebook erroneously believing me to be a “connector” who could tip (trick) people into buying whatever they are peddling ..I shy away from such people as am no meddler ..merely a peddler of giggles and cheeriness depending upon my mood which is usually up beat …happened to me yesterday too! I unfriended this person within the hour of friending !


As far as tipping goes for food delivery or eating out and other services like massages, car service etc….I can safely say I am a generous tipper but by no means “a gone overboard kind of person”

..
as we are talking about tips: life reveals itself as a proverbial tip of an iceberg and when subsequent events unfold ..only then we realize true depth and extent of it’s rippling effect..

these days am trying to mend whatever was broken by me either with intent or unknowingly … it is never easy to forgive and forget
..

am merely trying to tip the scales in my favor for when I do make my exit !

morning has broken

morning has broken

gradually tinting
insides in color
saffron
morning tea
trips in drips
..
upturned face
cuts into steadily
flooding saffron beam
seamlessly
joining..
..
off-kilter spirit
finds own groove
gently eases
into.. finally
centering

effulgent
insides
outside dawn
serenity’s cloak
homing in…

 

2 to 1

Awake
When world sleeps
I return
To my beginnings
As steam rises from
Fresh brew
I step into myself
Making my journey
From two
To
One
That is
You
~

catharsis

these days
mind processes
hand dealt
by life solely
calling spade
spade
..
you unleashed
your frustration
at unfair hand
dealt by life
on my innocent
head that was
..
so ill-equipped
being constantly
lost in clouds
folded cozily
inside juicy
books
..
my brown cheeks
still redden
in these ripe years
in retrospect ..feeling
more outraged than smarting
at sting of contact
..
I try so hard
to forgive being
a work in progress
but how do I tackle
forty-five years of insomnia
your ultimate Damocles gift
..
you’d vowed to carry
me away from home
leaving me far far away
from where I could never
return and gullible me never
shut eyes for 45 years
..
I take scales
out of my quiver
honestly weighing
all the good and harm
meted and come away
disquieted ..failing to forgive
..
you’ve been gone
many years
I do miss you
as most relationships
are complicated: an admix
of bitter Neem sweet mango
,,
I console myself saying maybe your
harshness had stiffened my spine
a contrary bookworm wild child
making me a strong person
that I now am.. but why does
it still bewilder and hurt ?
I want to square
away all my accounts
owing nothing to anyone
yet feelings and emotions
are hard to oust when they
indelibly scar heart
..
I haven’t given up yet !
..

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