My Latest

catharsis

these days
mind processes
hand dealt
by life solely
calling spade
spade
..
you unleashed
your frustration
at unfair hand
dealt by life
on my innocent
head that was
..
so ill-equipped
being constantly
lost in clouds
folded cozily
inside juicy
books
..
my brown cheeks
still redden
in these ripe years
in retrospect ..feeling
more outraged than smarting
at sting of contact
..
I try so hard
to forgive being
a work in progress
but how do I tackle
forty-five years of insomnia
your ultimate Damocles gift
..
you’d vowed to carry
me away from home
leaving me far far away
from where I could never
return and gullible me never
shut eyes for 45 years
..
I take scales
out of my quiver
honestly weighing
all the good and harm
meted and come away
disquieted ..failing to forgive
..
you’ve been gone
many years
I do miss you
as most relationships
are complicated: an admix
of bitter Neem sweet mango
,,
I console myself saying maybe your
harshness had stiffened my spine
a contrary bookworm wild child
making me a strong person
that I now am.. but why does
it still bewilder and hurt ?
I want to square
away all my accounts
owing nothing to anyone
yet feelings and emotions
are hard to oust when they
indelibly scar heart
..
I haven’t given up yet !
..

as is…

words elude as mind stays on overdrive
yesterday caregiver queried in my mother tongue
about the health of close kin… I replied: nowadays
they mainly reside under my skin
..
daily i scratch scabs
of grieving heart’s skin
and they pop up for heart to hearts
like so many jacks-in-boxes
well past over the hill
i constantly work overtime
to time still .. in mind, body, will
willfully….excercises in futility
….
the cross I carry was
put together by me
myself i did it all being
friend, foe to self
not into recriminations
i do turns in imperceptible
degrees, results thereof
being equally negligible
..
beguiling self came as inherent software
and my virus afflicted soul thrashing in rusty
body – still continues warbling in fits starts
patiently waiting for dying of light
..
I’ve no desire
to build
any Rome
not ever
I simply
stay resigned
waiting for my beloved
to come get me

Kabuliwala

as
I form your name
in my mouth ..rolling
it over my tongue
wan feeling of loss
boa(s)
around mind
..
I
wistfully long
for bygone wonder
years …
scintillating memory
pebbles burnished
by midday sun
..
swirling shape
conjured out
of time’s bottle
sees me running
full tilt heeding
your daily
call
tiny fists exchanged coins
for your mouthwatering
baked rolls and buns
dusted by powdered sugar
I bit into impatiently and the white
mustache that formed on my face
made us both gurgle delightedly
Kabuliwala: your name spelled
exotic spices, green almonds
sundry dry fruits especially apricots
“khumaanis” and my tiny mouth
would drool all over again while mom
cherished guchhi, Dingri for concocting
delicious rice pulao filled with dry-fruits
your crooned songs
mixed with old Hindi songs
still steal into heart, mind
in pensive moments
making me homesick
all over again as eyes
involuntarily river
old Silk route, Khyber
Pass, Hindukusch mountains
hold a firm sway over this vagabond
heart roaming ancient soils, pausing
in time stilled old modern caravanserai
hotels, motels sleuthing clues on treasure
maps aching to arrive: where it all began
**wild, rare nutritional fungi crop known for its medicinal value. Guchhi, or morchella esculenta, a mushroom variety *Dingri is dried mushroom also called Kumbh
images are from google only

and then he left…

after sticking for years
like super glue
one day he upped
and left
his body lay supine
mind wandered elsewhere
I ran to check his toiletries
in the bathroom
all were there
even the toothbrush
was moist
only he’d left
without leaving…
non-plussed
I kept plucking
petals singly
mouthing “he loves
me, he loves
me not”
till time us both
forgot
..

genes

as i slowly ease my chills
inside thermal warmth of a much flogged
sweater .. as if by rote I involuntarily nuzzle it’s velvety
fur with my sleep warmed cheek
……..

meanwhile
alert head continues romancing words
nuancing emotions in such a way that outcome
is more a broth than a heady brew

nothing is written in concrete.. read it somewhere
why Oh why must this heart breezily continue hoping
for happy days when lies stay lies, truths, truths
life is now a bewildering witches brew….
….
and
one wonders at god’s peculiar
sense of humor…
sanity having taken back seat
steering being in hands of a misfit…..

an old adage goes
in a country of sightless, one-eyed is king
I pray for return of days when irrefutable logic ruled
and everybody could fearlessly sing…

longing for uncomplicated days and
above all sight of my beloved mom
with a gentle serene face
full of grace

I
hungrily
go and look for her in the mirror
dad lovingly smiles back

still
she occupies my heart
and will stay there
till I too depart